


Memories of our youth

by Angyiel



Series: Wine and smoke make a harrowing combination [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Psychological Torture, Spoilers for the recent arc, The author regrets everything and won't stop crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8485015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angyiel/pseuds/Angyiel
Summary: The merciless North Blue had countless fairy tales to keep its children well-behaved. One of them was about an assassin family hiding in the shadows that no one could run away from.Perhaps Sanji should have remembered that one.[AU canon divergence, in which Sanji doesn’t come back to the Strawhats.]





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses for this, but an AU in which Sanji betrays the crew didn't want to leave my mind in peace, so there you go.
> 
> As always, please keep in mind English in not my first language!

"It feels like the memories of our youth blend together, don't you think?"

He raised his head, putting his pen down on his desk. Glancing at his sister turned towards his room's windows and looking as graceful as she had been in her twenties, he didn't answer and instead waited for her to continue. It had always been this way, she talked and he listened, because he didn't see the point in adding anything.

With a smile that never seemed to disappear from her lips, she turned her eyes away from the view and stared right at him.

"It has been years now. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, it feels like ages. I still think about that day, when you came back to us."

The sheets of paper he was staining with deep blue ink forgotten, he put his chin on his crossed fingers. He watched her rise from her chair with elegance and walk towards him. Her fingers brushed over his shoulder and he leaned in the comforting gesture. He closed his eyes and sighed with his hands over his face, oblivious to her frown full of pity and compassion upon the poor sight his tired eyes gave her.

"Do you think about it?" Reiju's voice was soft, as if she was scared. She gently rubbed his shoulder when he didn't answer right away.

Overwhelmed with memories, Sanji allowed himself to remember.

 

* * *

 

There was only one second of silence after the priest's words, asking him if he wanted Charlotte Pudding as his newly wedded wife. It wasn't really a question as he knew there was only one answer. But one second was all it took for Sanji's life to change forever.

Perhaps he should have remembered that moment, that decisive second when everything changed and his whole future got wiped out and written again, but, truth is, he didn't think about it during the years that followed. It was as if he forced himself to forget.

Yet, how could he forget something as striking as the sound of Monkey D. Luffy's voice screaming his name for entire seconds, a scream first muffled by the walls, but then clearer as they got destroyed by his fist? Luffy, the man who would one day be atop the top of the world, who had rallied so many pirates and even lawful persons to him just because of who he was, the man they followed without any questions, the man who cared about so many people and it was Sanji's name that came out of his mouth.

Of course Luffy would crash his wedding at the very last second because otherwise it would have been anticlimactic. Not even noticing (or caring) about the shocked stares of the two families that were here this day to unite their son and daughter, the boy got up from the rubbles he had created, picking up his precious hat to proudly put it back on his ruffled hair. He didn't care either about Big Mom rising up and ready to start a fight, nor did he care about a pissed off Nami pulling on his extending cheek, making a fuss about his dangerous stunts. No, he only cared about his cook, standing at the center of the room with utter confusion and surprise on his face. A hand still on his hat, another finger under his nose, Luffy gave him his trademark laugh and the brightest smile he had ever given him.

"I made you wait. I'm finally here to get you back home, Sanji!"

How could he say no to this? It was as if the bracelets, heavy on his wrists, had disappeared, as if the threatening presence of both the Emperor and his father had suddenly vanished as well as all of his worries because that's what Luffy was capable of. Luffy was here and there was no reason for him not to believe him because when the King said something, you listened and nodded. Big Mom and his father would learn that very soon.

So that's what he did, he nodded and smiled back, paying no mind to the bewildered and angry faces of the dozens of enemies around him. "I'll leave it to you then."

And then, Luffy's smile faded, only to be replaced by a vengeful scowl towards those who had dared hurt his cook. If most of them took a step back under the stare of someone who wielded the power of the Conqueror's Haki, Big Mom only let a guttural laugh at the insect challenging her and the Germa King scoffed, raising his chin in defiance. His children all lined up before him, forming a wall between Straw Hat Luffy and his goal.

Afterwards, it was only chaos. Thunder, rain and ice fell from the sky and out of Brook's sword, Carrot and Chopper worked together to fight anyone that stood in Luffy's way. The latter never took his eyes from Sanji while slowly making his way towards the altar and he knew what it meant. _I know they're threatening your treasured hands. Don't move, I'll take care of everything, you don't have to fight this time._ Sanji swallowed his guilt and didn't move from his spot. He was no match against his siblings or Big Mom in a fight and although he cursed at himself for being so weak and easy to scare with just the mention of taking his hands away from him, he was too selfish to actually fight and protect his crew. He feared for them, but he also feared for his dream and Luffy understood it.

Yonji was the first to give in to his desire to beat up the Straw Hat captain and lunged forward with a maniacal grin on his face, the kind that still gave Sanji nightmares and he unintentionally shivered at the sight. It felt wrong: all around him, countless fights happened and he was just standing there, both his father and would-have-been mother-in-law at his sides. He was just watching.

Yonji suddenly and violently hit a wall with a sinister cracking sound. Sanji had no doubt that he would be up and kicking in a minute, but Luffy wasn't messing around and obviously didn't want to waste time. He continued his march towards Sanji, locking his eyes once again with his. He frowned at the blue eyes full of remorse and it seemed to enrage him even more as he shouted and leapt forward, steam coming out of his skin. Ichiji and Niji both jumped in the air, blocking him in the same gesture.

"Luffy!" Sanji couldn't help it, he yelled his captain's name with worry. Why did he still have those damn wristlets, he had to fight!

Having both brothers on him seemed to slow his progression and Sanji could see his father - no, he wasn't his father, he was just the King of Asshole Land - grin with pride at his sons. The kind smile he had never once received from him.

At the same time, Nami, Brook, Chopper and Carrot were almost done with Big Mom's minions as they were all falling one by one. It seemed she had sent her most powerful ones to guard the borders, not the ceremony in itself.

"It seems like your subjects can't keep up with a mere band of pirates, Emperor," Judge said with disdain. Big Mom raised an eyebrow at the insult from someone she thought was a would-be ally.

Then, it seemed like everything stopped at once.

Germa's soldiers came out of nowhere and in a matter of seconds, they took out the Big Mom crew mates that were left with mechanical and deadly precision. They all filled up the gigantic room and surrounded Big Mom's huge form as she was too stunned to react. Judge brandished a sword under her chin. "I'm almost glad Straw Hat boy did all the work for me, it only makes things easier to take you down."

"Reiju," the Germa King added. His daughter only answered with a nod, unfolded her arms from her chest and suddenly she was at Sanji's side.

"My apologies, little brother, I just need you to sleep for a bit."

"Reiju, what are-" There was a prickling sensation at the nape of his neck and his legs gave out. He collapsed in his sister's arms and the last things he heard were the angry roars of Big Mom about backstabbing bastards and Luffy screaming his name.

 

* * *

 

 

He opened his eyes again with a groan. His muscles felt numb and slow, he wasn't aware of anything except the fact that every inch of his body was shaking. He lifted his cheek from the floor - the stone floor, he realized at once and that was enough to wake him a little more. He took a look at his surroundings and the sight of a certain cell was too familiar for his liking. He shivered once more - and he was sure it wasn't from the cold this time, only to notice the heavy chains linked to the wall that not even his legs could break or melt around his four limbs.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath.

"Watch your goddamn language, little bro'."

He turned around with a jump and the clinking noise of the chains to face his brother. A smug grin was on Yonji's face and he had never felt so much need to punch someone and kick him until he couldn't even be recognized anymore.

"The hell is this?!"

"Will you watch your fucking language, are you even listening to me?"

"Yonji, don't fuck with me, tell me what the hell you crazy bastards are doing right now."

"Right now, I'm standing in front of you, Ichiji is probably reading or some boring shit like that, Niji might be dead or at least recovering from laughing too much like a maniac, Reiju might be taking-"

"YON-" Sanji made a move to leap forward, only to be restrained by his links.

"Hey now, calm down bro'. I'm just messing with you, you make it so easy, that's not really my fault - stop glaring at me like that, alright, you're no fun!"

"Was it planned from the start? Betraying your own ally, putting me in this fucking cell again?!"

"Yes and no for the first one, absolutely not for the second one. Father kinda decided it in the midst of the alliance, you know how he is. As for you… Well, let's just say we can't have you running around everywhere now that a lot of people know where you're from. Or something like that."

"So what, you're gonna keep me here until I die?"

"Hey, don't ask me, I'm not the one who took this decision. But well, I guess letting you out is not part of the plan for now."

Sanji gritted his teeth, getting up as fortunately his chains allowed him to do that.

"You don't know what you just started. Luffy will come for me."

It wasn't a guess, it was a fact. He could sometimes doubt the existence of the mythical All Blue, he could sometimes doubt they will all survive this journey, but there was one thing he would never dare think about and it was Luffy giving up on one of them. As much as he hated to be in this situation, to be the one needing rescuing (rescuing was _his_ job), he knew he needed help on this one. Not that he would not try to save himself.

As if Yonji expected his answer, he scoffed and shrugged.

"We'll see about that." And he left Sanji with those last words.

He heard the cracking sound of a door closing upstairs and he immediately tested his chains, pulling with his arms and legs, in vain. Well, it had been worth a shot. Instead, he lifted his leg as much as he could and kicked the wall - nothing. He had expected it, but still. He couldn't reach the cell bars and hope to do some damage to it. He was truly trapped and for once, he couldn't think of a solution, he didn't have a genius idea to get the hell out of here. And the realization was just starting to sink in.

"Fuck," he breathed once more. Only silence answered.

He must have dozed off at some point as he was shaken out of his slumber at the grating noise of his cell door opening and the first Vinsmoke son entered, chin up, a plate of fuming warm food on the tip of his fingers. It was probably the most punchable waiter Sanji had ever seen.

"Holy hell, his Highness the goddamn prince is honoring me with his presence, to bring me food on top of that."

Ichiji lowered down the plate to put it down in front of where Sanji was sitting on the floor, clearly enjoying his control of the situation. Yet, his face hid behind his glasses and showed no emotion whatsoever. Not even disappointment, which was unsettling for Sanji. He had been on the receiving end of a myriad of negative emotions from his siblings: disgust from Yonji, wrath and madness from Niji, cold pity from Reiju… And always a quiet disappointment from Ichiji. Despite the fact that they had been born on the same day, he acted and was thought of as the oldest of the four of them. Not ruthless like Niji and without Yonji's haughty attitude, Ichiji was like a silent presence behind them constantly judging their performance as future rulers of their kingdom. Always their father's eyes, he only needed a stern look without words to make Sanji feel like he was letting all of them down and he wasn't worthy enough. Ichiji was cold and not one to express positive emotions, but somehow, his totally blank face was even more unnerving for Sanji.

Both of them were sitting cross-legged on the stone floor, facing each other and none of them said a word for what seemed to be hours.

"Aren't you going to eat that? I thought you hated wasting food."

"I'm not hungry for now."

"Bullshit."

'Bullshit' it was indeed. If he didn't know how much time had passed since he was locked in there, he was sure it was at least almost a whole day and his stomach protested a bit. He could survive a few more hours without eating, he had worse when he was much weaker than now, and for some reason he didn't really trust anything they would give him. (There was a little voice inside him telling him he would eventually give up the urge not to waste food and he couldn't even deny it.)

"I know we're specialized in poison and everything, but I didn't put anything in this," Ichiji said as if he could read his mind.

"No offense, but I have doubts about that."

"None taken. But don't be stupid. I know you're smarter than that. Killing you this way would be counterproductive, don't you think? Why would we even bother?"

"I don't fucking know, will you all stop playing riddles with me, it's really starting to piss me off!"

"Sanji."

His voice was like a whip that made Sanji jump. He swallowed with difficulty, anger quickly replaced by unease. His brother had rarely pronounced his name, especially out loud and so clearly, unless he called him to order.

Sanji hated the way Ichiji managed to effortlessly reduce him to the child he once was.

"Think. You may have been born weak, however you were always smart. Definitely more than Niji and Yonji at least."

Sanji would have snorted if he wasn't so stiff and uptight. Well, it wasn't like it was difficult, those two were morons. Ichiji took off his glasses and tired but as sharp as steel eyes stared right at Sanji.

"Why are we keeping you here?"

He didn't answer. His chains were making soft pinging sounds and he realized he was trembling. One of his fists grasped one of his shirt's sleeves.

"I don't know," he muttered with clenched teeth. He could feel cold sweat sliding down his jaw.

"I'm sure you have an idea."

"I don't!" He suddenly raised his voice and leaned forward, yet Ichiji remained still and impassive. It was as if his scream echoed against the walls and for a moment, nothing happened. The first son scrutinized every inch of his face before sighing.

"You do." He put back his sunglasses on, getting up. He closed and locked the door behind him and in a perfect imitation of Yonji leaving hours earlier, he left without taking a look behind him. "It's time you stop lying to yourself."

 

* * *

 

He lost track of time.

It was a slow process. He tried to keep everything in mind, believing in his internal clock that told him to sleep and then wake up exactly five hours later like he always did. He couldn't trust the frequency of the few meals he had. He ate them, of course. No matter where it came from or who gave it to him, food was food and he would be the last one to refuse it. He just waited for something, a sign because he could stay here forever. He would get out eventually, he had to be patient. Yet, although he kept denying it and ignoring it, he kept his ears open at any noise that could hint to his crew's arrival. They would come. They would.

The fact that no one else paid him a visit was both a blessing and a curse. His legs were dying to just kick his siblings or father's faces and he needed his daily dose of swearing, insults and sass to function. On the other hand, he wasn't sure that their taunting words and riddles would do any good to him.

(There was something in his chest, a dull pain that was becoming more and more intense, too slowly for him to notice.)

He ignored the rest. He ignored his shaking hands from the lack of tobacco, his sometimes labored breathing when it felt like the walls got closer to him, the need to scream and kick and punch to get out. He ignored his two brothers' words that never stop repeating in his mind. Well, he tried to.

He slept, opened his eyes, waited. Sat against the wall, elbows on his knees and stared at the darkness of his cell. Somehow, someone was bringing him food each time he was deep in his agitated slumber, so he didn't see anyone. He hoped for something, anything. His limbs were starting to feel numb and weak. His eyes stung and his skin felt cold, as if the darkness of the room was becoming a part of him. How long had it been since he had moved and seen the sun?

Then the whispers started.

He thought his mind was toying with him at first. Or maybe it was the wind threading its way between the bricks of the underground floor of the Germa Kingdom. It happened sometimes when they were alone on the sea, the strong wind blowing between the masts of the Thousand Sunny at night sounded like someone was talking to them. Guiding them or tricking them, who knows, but it was a wonderful phenomenon they liked to listen and observe.

But it wasn't the wind, as much as he wanted it to be, it wasn't that.

It sounded like familiar voices to him, but the 'things he had not thought of in so long he could barely remember them' kind of familiar. They sounded like they were muffled behind a veil or a wall, he couldn't figure out the words, and for a moment he had the crazy thought that there were other people with him imprisoned down here before he remembered that would be unlikely. The Vinsmokes had many enemies, though they didn't even bother with keeping them alive. If someone had enough bravery to face them, they wouldn't stay alive long enough to realize their mistake. It was a simple thing to consider, really, but for Sanji's already disturbed mind, it was enough for him to be scared for his crew mate's lives. No, he couldn't start thinking that way. He had faith in them.

These voices sounded so far away he could ignore them. He woke up with them and fell asleep with them, ignoring. Then they got closer and he noticed too late.

It was too late to tune them out when everything was overwhelming. The whispers became screams, pleadings and cries and it was as if they were attacking him, coming from everywhere at once. He ended up curled into himself in a corner, hands pressing against his ears so much it was becoming painful.

The voices became clearer at some point. He wished they didn't.

_"Worthless boy."_

_"How useless can you be?"_

_"Milord, this one is a failure."_

_"Sanji, a true Vinsmoke doesn't show compassion."_

_"Well, maybe it means he isn't one of us."_

_"Let me out!"_

_"Why would we?"_

A child was screaming and crying somewhere.

"Stop it," he groaned, a hand over his eyes.

_"You can never go back, Sanji, do you hear me?!"_

_"Help me!"_

_"Sanji, you need to calm down, can you see me?"_

_"Why would we help you?"_

_"He's so pathetic, I swear, why the hell is he freaking out that much?"_

"Please let me out," the child whispered. Or was it him? "Don't leave me alone."

 

* * *

 

He shivered and woke up with a weak and panicked cry, his chest painful with rough and uneven breaths he had difficulty to take. He felt he was lying on something, but he couldn't see, couldn't talk.

"Shh, shh, easy there, Sanji…"

There were thin and graceful fingers softly stroking his hair, some others were on his eyes, effectively blocking his vision. He grabbed the two hands by their wrists and didn't stop his gasps, he just couldn't. He felt like he was choking.

"Calm down, it's okay, you're fine."

He coughed a bit more and the voice kept talking and soothing him with gentle words and tone. He suddenly felt at peace despite the darkness he had spent so much time in. The voice stopped, and the silence was only broken by the sound of his breathing that was getting quieter. His grip on the delicate limbs tightened, as if they were some kind of anchor to keep him afloat.

"M-Mother?" His voice sounded weak and hopeful, almost like a child's. The voice chuckled with tenderness.

"I'm sorry, little brother, Mother isn't here with us anymore."

His hands let go of the wrists with his disappointment. It was stupid, he already knew that, but he couldn't help it. For a moment, he thought her warm presence was back at his side to shelter and shield him for the cruel world.

Yet, he didn't make a move to pull away from Reiju. He could feel her bent knees under his head and her hands were still grasping his head and blocking his eyes. The gesture in his hair made him forget everything else, he had never felt this serene in a long time. His body felt heavy with exhaustion and he leaned in her hands without even thinking about it.

He must have fallen back asleep, as he heard other people, but he didn't have enough strength to even process or react.

"-you know, geez, why do you even bother with him? Just look at him, I just wanna throw up now-"

"Niji!" The tenderness in the Germa princess' voice vanished at once, snapping at her brother and shutting him up. "If you don't have anything useful to do or say, you can leave. Now."

"Alright, alright, I'm leaving, don't be so touchy!"

There was the sound of steps walking away and a door closing. He could hear Reiju sighing with exasperation, but the movement in his hair didn't stop. Sanji lifted his hand to put her own away from his eyes, but her grip was as strong as steel.

"You're awake? Don't move too much, you have a strong fever. Don't open your eyes right now, they aren't used to the light anymore."

"What's happening?" His own voice was raspy and nothing more than a whisper.

"You stopped eating. Ichiji and I were gone for a few weeks, so I couldn't keep an eye on you, and I guess Niji and Yonji were too busy to notice you wither away."

' _More like they didn't care, right?_ ' Sanji pushed back his scathing answer. He didn't even feel like responding and fighting back as he usually did against his siblings.

"I don't remember." It was true. He didn't remember a thing. He did recall his brothers' visit at the beginning, but then… Every moment he had lived down there was like mixing with another one.

"It's not surprising. It took a while, but you started talking to yourself at some point. You didn't even notice I was there when I visited you. And then…" She stopped herself, clearly hesitant. After a minute or two, she resumed: "You started screaming every time you were awake, you were incoherent, yelling to no one to stop talking. You couldn't even think about eating."

His memories were blank. He frowned, trying to focus on remembering. Why did he forget? Flashes of images came to it all at once. Obscurity and cold stones, every person he had known in his life standing in front of him and looking at him as if he was an insignificant and despicable, screams from himself telling them to just _shut the fuck up, you're wrong, wrong wrong_ , his fists hurt from punching the wall in his hysteria because he had to get out, _I have to get out and_ -

"Sanji, it's alright, you're not down there anymore."

Reiju's voice snapped him out of his memories assaulting his mind and he tried to concentrate on something else. Indeed, the air around him was warmer, he was lying on something softer than stone and the atmosphere didn't feel as oppressive.

"I'm sorry. I originally didn't want to put you back there, but it probably was the best option we had."

"For what?" He snapped. Well, he wanted to think he had snapped, it's not like he actually could.

"For you to realize."

"Reiju, don't start with the riddles, please, just don't."

"... Sanji, you have to understand now. I'm sure you already know, you're not stupid."

"Ichiji already said that, but I don't know, okay, I just don't."

"Yes, you do. You know they're not coming for you."

Sanji bit his lip with such force he could taste blood on his tongue.

"You don't know that, you can't possibly know that, you don't know them like I do, don't you dare insinuate that Luffy would-"

"Sanji, it's been seven months."

… What?

Had he heard right?

"What did you just say?..."

"You spent seven months in the cell. We've been planning our attack on Big Mom ever since on Father's orders and we're almost ready to get rid of one of the Emperor."

"... You're lying."

"Hmm?"

"I know you, Reiju, and you're lying!" He slapped his sister's hands away from his head and closing his eyes at the sudden light he wasn't used to anymore, he tried to get away from her, stumbling on his arms that failed to support him and he fell back on the bed he was lying on. He felt dizzy and hot from the fever she had told him about. "It just can't be true, Reiju, don't fuck with me, I know my sense of time got fucked up, but it can't possibly have been seven months!"

"If you don't believe me, take a look at this." She handed him a newspaper, the front page about something he didn't care about. He only had eyes for the date on the top-right corner and… She was right.

It had been seven months.

The paper teared under the grip of his fingers. This couldn't be happening. Reiju handed him another one and this time, the front page attracted his attention.

The Straw Hats' new bounties. Nine of them. None of them were his. New pictures and new numbers, Jinbe's face and name had replaced his and a small note under the photographs announced that since he had not been sighted in so long, he could be considered as either dead or not part of the infamous crew anymore.

"That's just the way it is, Sanji. They didn't come for you. Just like you said, if your former captain wants something, nothing could stop him. But he just didn't come."

He wasn't listening. He kept reading the headline over and over and _they never came for him_.

"I'm really sorry they weren't the companions you were supposed to find."

Had he looked up to her, he would have seen genuine pity and compassion on her face, just like she used to when he got beaten up by his brothers and she didn't have both the want and the bravery to stop them. He just couldn't focus on something anymore.

"It's time you stop lying to yourself."

He didn't hear her walk away and leave the new (simple, but luxury compared to his former cell) room he was in.

Something must have gone wrong somewhere, he figured. He knew what his siblings and father were capable of to drive someone mad. They knew how to creep into someone's mind, pull the strings and twist what they believed in with their soul. He knew it better than anyone else, he had witnessed it and even received _lessons_. Five perfectly aligned small kids learning how to deceive, manipulate and lie like any other kid would learn mathematics or literature in school. He didn't realize till much later when he saw for the first time children of his age getting ready for school on a random East Blue island how messed up it was. Still, it was too late to unlearn despite Zeff's attempts to make him a normal and carefree baby eggplant (because if he had never mentioned where he came from, the old pirate sure knew and noticed the way he acted to get what he wanted) and those lessons stuck to him. He had a perfect understanding of how the human psyche worked. Nonetheless, the same way he had never had the heart to hurt and kill on their Father's orders like he was supposed to, he had never been as skilled as his siblings to manipulate and exploit people's flaws.

Which was why he was sure Reiju was lying, she had to. The newspapers weren't a convincing proof to him, because falsifying was easy enough and mostly because he knew Luffy would never let that happen. The Straw Hat captain was the kind of man to state loud and clear with pride who was part of his crew.

It couldn't have been _seven_ months. He couldn't have spent that much time in this goddamn cell, not again, it just couldn't be possible, but what was so frustrating was that he just couldn't remember. Everything came to him in quick flashes, so fast his head hurt when he forced the memories.

It couldn't have been seven months because Luffy wouldn't never allow that to happen.

… But what if?

Were Reiju and Ichiji right? Did they abandon him?

It was a small thought, but an existing one nonetheless, and he refused it as soon as it came to mind. They never gave up on Nami even when she betrayed them for Arlong, they never gave up on Usopp despite him clashing with the captain, they went all the way to the Government's territory to get Robin back. Nothing ever stopped them getting back someone that mattered.

(Perhaps this was the problem. Perhaps he didn't matter to them.)

He curled himself into a tiny ball, trying to shut out these thoughts before his fever made him pass out.

 

* * *

 

"You know I don't really appreciate to be ignored, so could you please turn around and look at me when I come in?"

Sanji felt numb. Like something was missing, an entire part of him had just given up on him and he was left struggling with a hole in his chest and heart.

The room he had woken up in was simple, it wasn't anything special, but the soft surface of the sheets on the bed were a welcome sensation to his skin that had known only stone for the past… the past seven months. He couldn't deny it any longer, could he?

He still felt hot and dizzy, yet he still stood up when he woke up, taking a look at his surroundings. He walked towards the large window leading to a small balcony that gave him a view of the inner courtyard of the Germa moving castle. The mindless soldiers were already training, matching puppets mirroring each other and if Sanji had felt nauseous when he had watched them for the first time in years before everything went to hell almost a year ago (It hurt to think this way, a year was a really long time he had spent away from _them_ ), the sight did nothing to him now.

"Shut it, Ichiji," he said flatly.

He had not turned around even to the sound of steps coming in, nor had he responded to his brother because he wasn't listening. He didn't think he could handle his family's taunting words for now.

"Can't you at least allow me to be concerned for my brother?"

"You're not my brother. None of you are my family, this isn't my home. I already have one," he denied, but even he could catch the lack of conviction in his voice.

"Then why aren't you leaving?"

Sanji's shoulders sagged, his eyes not leaving the courtyard. A few meters behind him, inside the bedroom, Ichiji took a few steps toward him.

"So? You know you can. Your wristlets are gone. There is no wedding to be held. Nothing is keeping you here, not even the chains of your cell. If you want, you can beat up our soldiers and the sea around us sure won't stop you to leave the kingdom."

Ichiji walked up and stood out next to him, following his gaze on the said soldiers, their arms almost touching.

"So?"

Sanji only bit his lower lip in answer, frowning as if he were in pain.

"You're not leaving because you don't have a home left to go to. Am I right?"

"Shut the fuck up," Sanji growled, his voice filled with daggers that seemed to hurt him more than his target. "I have a home. A father who actually gives a shit about me," he snarled.

"Are you sure you want to go back to that old man?"

He had a scathing reply ready, but Sanji kept it for himself. Could he go back to Zeff? The old geezer was nothing more than an old crumbly former pirate who could not even live up to his name anymore, what could he offer to him?

(A home. Love. Something that no one else had gifted him before, except for his beloved mother.)

Truth is, he felt so much like a helpless child now. Zeff's brutal kicks and comebacks would be more than welcomed, because what a lost kid needed was someone to guide him and Zeff had always been here for that. But the threat of the father he didn't acknowledge finding and torturing him before killing the first person that had shown him love and respect without expecting anything else in return was more than insufferable.

More than anything, getting back to Zeff without the promised mythic ocean was unthinkable. Imagining the quiet and poorly hidden disappointment in the old man's eyes made his eyes stung with shame.

"Thought so." The victorious smile on his brother's face didn't go unnoticed.

"You're getting satisfaction from this, are you? Is it funny, watching me being torn apart? Was it funny, throwing me back down there and mocking me like the bunch of psychos you all are?!" His voice was slowly getting louder. His hands gripped the balcony railing with such strength his fingers went white.

"What's your point?" Ichiji, if anything, didn't look rattled at all.

"What's my fucking point?! You all threw me in a fucking cell like when I was a kid as if I were disposable trash, just because you felt like it! I went fucking mad, so much that I can't even remember it and you just don't see what's the problem?!" His voice raised even higher, yet the disturbing puppet show in the courtyard went on as if he wasn't here. He took a step back, rage distorting his face as he was trying to stare at Ichiji's eyes, but they were still hidden behind his glasses and his own were unfocused.

"It drove me crazy because I was all alone down there and no one was coming for me and YOU JUST LEFT ME FOR SEVEN MONTHS!" He suddenly grabbed the collar of the first son's shirt, their faces only inches from each other.

"Why the hell did you come back for me when you didn't even want me in the first place? What's the point of keeping me here for so long when you think I'm useless?"

His voice broke. His legs gave out and he collapsed, only to be caught by one of Ichiji's arms as if he weighed nothing.

"Are you done?"

The world was like whirling around him and he couldn't even groan his answer as he was lifted on his brother's shoulder and thrown on the bed he had left earlier.

"Listen carefully now. I wasn't for putting you down here, Reiju wasn't either. But orders are orders. You needed some discipline according to Father and no matter how harsh his methods can be, that's just what happened. Accept it."

There was a short pause. Sanji had closed his eyes, his head and stomach hurt.

"I don't think you're useless. You just needed a slight push to understand that your silly idealism will only hurt you. There is no such thing as comrades, crew mates, or whatever. In the end, the faith you had in them destroyed you."

Faith? Yeah, he believed in them, more than he believed in himself. They had overcome so many things, just a small group of nine misfits fighting against the greatests of this world and they had made it so far. Only to falter against the giant wall his past put up on their path.

"I almost forgot, I have a message from Father. He is willing to take you back in, to be part of the royal family again. I'd suggest you think about it. But it won't be for free."

He still felt like throwing up.

Hours passed. Days maybe? He was dwelling on those words, too weak to stand up for more than a dozen of minutes. His 'stay' had taken its toll on him and he tried to ignore his limbs and hips that looked too much like Brook's. His fever had almost vanished, but his body was still recovering. How pathetic. And he was the man that had broken his bones countless times, had almost drown a few dozen times, had received lighting at full power and had spent two years fighting an entire kingdom of weirdos. (Maybe, but seven months chained to a wall without moving and losing one's mind could do that to someone.)

It took a few days of watching with empty eyes the daily morning show under his window and stretching every day to regain a bit of strength for him to decide he was done sulking like a petty child. He needed to act, he couldn't stand his siblings' innuendos any longer.

That's why after what felt like a week of staying inside his room, he just kicked (and destroyed) the door open with a flaming leg, scaring a maid working in the corridor in the process. Chivalry not on his immediate agenda for the moment, he simply nodded as an apology and with long steps, walked down the corridor. He didn't know where he would go, but it didn't matter. He was getting out today.

Servants didn't dare interrupt his march towards what he thought to be freedom, away from his messed up family, they only cowered in fear and lowered their eyes. They were all afraid of him in the first place, he had noticed that even seven months ago, but it wasn't like he could make them understand he wasn't like them. If anything, he was more like those maids and cooks.

"And where do you think you're going?"

… Well, to be fair, it wasn't like he could wander away just like that.

Reiju's voice echoed around the walls of the main hall, staring at him from the top of the monumental stairs. She had her arms crossed in front of her abdomen, with seemingly endless legs that just were proof enough they were related, and her never faltering smile.

God knows his intensive and unwilling therapy had had its effects, but Sanji needed a damn smoke to do this.

"What does it look like? I'm fucking leaving and you're not stopping me."

"It wasn't my intention. I just want to make sure my baby brother is well enough so I don't need to watch over him."

"You'll never stop fucking with me, right? I've done 'well enough' those past years without you so I think I can manage."

She hid it with ease, nonetheless Sanji knew her enough despite the years away to detect the pain in her eyes at his words and that made him hesitate. She went down a few steps, stopping in the middle of the stairs as if she didn't dare approach him too much.

"So where are you going? Back to them?"

There was a short pause.

"... Yeah."

"Despite your shattered trust in them?"

He scowled at her and clenched his fists, she tilted her head to the side.

"Don't lie. I know you still love them, but I know there are also far more darker feelings inside you."

He could only lower his eyes to the side. Actually hearing it from someone else made it too real.

"Why do you want to leave? Father wants you back. So do we."

He made a short, angry noise in the back of his throat, one that pushed him towards the exiting doors.

"Think about it. We'll be together, the two of us. It'll take time, but they'll accept you, like they should have from the start. Don't you want that?"

His back turned and his face concealed from her view, he closed his eyes. Was it the lack of tobacco in his blood or the hopes she laid in his heart that made his hands quiver?

"Don't you want to be part of the family?"

Her hands delicately brushed the stiff muscles under his shoulder blades, a gentle, almost not noticeable touch and he let out a deep sigh he didn't know he was holding. Her voice was low, almost a murmur that could be lost in the silence and the size of the room.

"Stay. Stay with me."

Sanji never once forgot the child he used to be, each moment was engraved in his brain and he could not pretend he could ignore the sensations each memory awakened. He could live the cold of his cell, the throbbing pain of his bruises and also the sticky path left by his tears on his pale cheeks over and over. No matter how many years and miles and people he put between him and his childhood, his body would forever remember it.

That is why there was something he could not forget even if he wanted to. The want, the need, to be like his siblings, struggling to catch up and wondering why he was so weak because it just wasn't fair. He wanted them to be proud of him, he needed those congratulating smiles his brothers received that he had never witnessed for him. He wanted to be useful, not to feel like he was a waste of time and effort and a failure.

He had been just a kid, but he wanted to be a Vinsmoke more than anything, without thinking about the implications behind. Nevertheless, this child was still somewhere within him, wasn't he?

"Sanji?"

He thought about it. He thought about all those nights spent begging and crying for recognition before he realized it wasn't worth it, he thought about his brothers' faces distorted by both his nightmares and their delight. He thought about those three months of wait on a rock under a burning sun, he thought about Zeff's thorough eyes watching him manipulating a knife with an unexpected ease from a nine-year-old child. He thought about the eight people who had changed his life so many times he had lost count and each time he saved them by thinking ahead and sneaking around because that's what he had been taught so long ago it was embedded in his veins.

Then he thought that no amount of running would take him far away from the only thing he was born for.

"Come on. Let's go back."

Reiju's hands gently grabbed the back of his shirt, turned him towards her and with delicacy, as if she thought he was made of glass, she pulled on his arms. He let himself be led back inside, his eyes staring without seeing at the luxurious carpet. The doors behind them closed when they reached the top of the stairs and suddenly he felt even colder than before.

 

* * *

 

"Alright, if you're going to be a proud member of our royal family, then there's a few things you need to catch up with."

Everything felt out of place. This room that looked too much like an arena with several types of weapons hanging on the wall to his left felt out of place. More like, he felt out of place. Having Niji being friendly to him ( _Niji_ , of all people, _friendly_ , for fuck's sake) was out of place.

And more than anything, holding a gun in his hands felt out of place.

"I assume you're not dumb enough to have forgotten how it works, right?"

Sanji winced and swallowed with difficulty. Alright, he could do this.

With a clear snap, he removed the safety on the weapon (it felt familiar and unfamiliar at the same time), glaring at Niji. He knew how to use it, it had been a long time since he had been taught to, but it was surely coming back to him. That one time he had pointed a gun at Robin, way before she became of one of the Straw Hats, it wasn't a loaded one. He wouldn't have shot either way.

"Good, the first step is done. Alright, try to shoot me."

Sanji raised an eyebrow. Niji only shrugged, mirroring his expression.

"C'mon, it's not like you're actually gonna get me. I need to know what's left of your training."

Still hesitant, Sanji raised his right hand, pointing the barrel at his brother's forehead and snarling face. Damn, he sure wanted to beat the shit out of him, but shooting him was completely another story.

"I knew it, you haven't changed at all, have y-"

A bullet brushed past his cheek and interrupted him, and Sanji would have snickered at his bemused face if he wasn't so uptight at this very precise moment. One second or two later, Niji's expression broke into an unsettling smile.

"Now we're talking, baby bro'. Do you best."

Trying not to focus too much on the fact he was shooting his own relative and all the implications that went with it, Sanji obeyed. Niji was fast nonetheless, and bullets soon kept piling up at the foot of the stone walls around them. It was frustrating, as Sanji kept saying to himself he shouldn't be doing this, but his brother's laugh was even more frustrating. He only stopped when a few strands of blond hair slowly fell to the floor.

"Hmm. Not bad, but not good either. Let's try something else."

They went on for hours, Niji putting weapon after weapon in his hands and dodging every attack with ease. Sanji's limbs were trembling from the effort and he was still weak from his prolonged stay in his cell, yet he never voiced a complaint or anything else. He continued, gritted his teeth and obeyed.

"I guess ranged weapons aren't really your thing, you're a far better melee fighter."

Although he knew how to handle guns and such, he took too much time targeting and positioning himself, and his aim was always a few inches off. (He wasn't the sniper, that was someone else, he thought bitterly.) Turned out - with no real surprise - he was a skilled fighter with a lance ("It's called a naginata, dumbass, that's not a lance," Niji corrected him.), even using handstands to kick and slash at the same time with ease. He didn't show it, but he was sure Niji hadn't expected him to almost outrun him in a melee match.

At some point, Niji shoved a sword in his hands, a straight, slim one he could handle with only one hand. He swallowed back the nauseous feeling building up in his throat and focused on fighting his brother who sometimes looked like his left eye had a thin pink line across it and his hair was much shorter and greener.

He almost collapsed when Niji allowed them a break for a few minutes after what felt like hours. His lungs were burning and sweat drenched his shirt.

"Well, I'm getting the gist of it. At least you didn't grow up to be a hopeless wimp, but honestly you need to do much better than that or it's going to be problematic, mostly because you're going to need stealth and shit to do the job right, and a lance or a sword aren't exactly subtle. Let's try one more thing."

With a soft kick, Niji made another rather small object slide to Sanji sitting on the floor. It bumped his own feet and slowly turned on itself a few times before halting under Sanji's frozen stare.

"What's wrong?" Niji's light mood was gone, his simple question sounding too much like a merciless warning.

Sanji bit his lips with wide eyes, hiding his face with his hair. He couldn't do this. He couldn't fight with a knife. It wasn't what they were supposed to be used for.

"Pick it up, Sanji. Now."

With shaking fingers, he picked up the fighting knife and it took him a few moments to still his hold on the small weapon.

"Now, much better."

Niji's patronizing words didn't help appease his conflicted feelings, and the fact he was taking too much pleasure watching the distress in the former cook's eyes didn't help either. Because that's what he was going to be: if Sanji dared take one more step towards his family's heritage with the knife he was holding, he was taking one step away from Zeff and everything he had taught him.

"Let's try one more time," Niji suavely whispered, making his own sword whirl in his grasp.

It felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. It was beating too fast and his brain was hammering his skull, yet Sanji still launched himself forward and fought with everything he had and a knife.

In only a few minutes, with the sounds of blades clashing against the other and a swift flick of his wrist, Sanji's knife slid between Niji's skin and his sword's handle, making it fall to the floor. It was too loud despite Sanji's heavy breathing, especially with Niji standing speechless in front of him.

"Now we're really getting somewhere, baby bro'."

Sanji pretended he didn't feel a bit of joy at his brother's proud, sinister smile.

Thus began what Niji called the second phase of his childhood training. The only difference is that Sanji knew what would happen if he failed this time. This was a constant threat, a sword of Damocles hanging over his head that didn't allow him to stop.

It was alright. He wouldn't fail this time. He was stronger. He had already beaten up Yonji seven months earlier. His other two brothers now kept challenging him and if he was no match against Ichiji, Niji was still stronger than him, but less tough and more made of brute strength than tactical wits. He was sure that with a bit of observation, he could change the situation.

(Never once he took the time to wonder why he was even doing this.)

He quickly regained muscle mass and the physical strength he had lost over the months. His pale body was covered in bruises and bandages from the intensity each day brought, yet it was as if he was immune to this pain. In fact, he felt little to nothing these days. He got up, fought again and again, sometimes training alone, sometimes against his siblings, sometimes against an entire battalion of soldiers, only to collapse on his bed, almost oblivious to his sister's presence each night to patch him up so he could go on. He was oblivious to the worry in her eyes and the emptiness of his own.

It was alright. He could do this. He wouldn't fail like he had before.

He still hadn't seen their father once since the failed wedding.

"If we're going to present you to him, you have to be at least worthy enough of the title of prince of Germa Kingdom and you sure don't look like it yet, don't you think?"

Another day spent inside the arena-looking room. He was taking a short break from trying to take down Niji in a sword fight, but with no great success obviously. He took the short time he was allowed to take a look at his body and mostly his chest. The oldest bruises were vanishing on his hips, the newer ones had an ugly purple shade around his collarbone. He didn't even bother hiding or taking care of them as they were healing faster now, his body was getting used to the rough treatment it was going through.

He had voiced his question without any real hope of having an actual answer, particularly because Niji seemed to take great joy in tormenting him and driving him crazy for no particular reason. Indeed, the second son did mock him, but Sanji was certain there was a part of truth in his words. He wasn't ready yet.

"You did make a bit of progress, however."

Ichiji and Yonji were watching this day, which was unusual. Sanji was either alone or with one of his siblings, but never with all of them. However, this day, they sat on the lowest bleachers of the small arena, the closest to the inner ring. As for Reiju, she never attended his daily routine.

Ichiji's voice was clear and stern, effectively bringing Yonji's snicker to and end and making him pout. ("Geez, you're no fun, when will you remove that stick in your- DON'T PULL ON MY EAR!") With a closed yet clearly annoyed facial expression, Ichiji jumped over the railing to land inside the ring, dragging and holding Yonji's ear in his hand who kept flinging a string of colorful insults that would bring shame even to the sailors and misfits Sanji had grown up with.

"In fact, I think you're almost ready. What's your opinion, Niji?" There was no real celebration in his voice, Sanji wondered how he felt about all of this.

"Huh?" The concerned one dumbly responded, probably more interested in his staring contest with Yonji. "Oh yeah, sure, why not. I mean, you're still a wimp, but a stronger wimp or something, I guess?" He shrugged while looking at Sanji, whose serious face didn't change.

"C'mon, be a little more happy, you're gonna start playing a part in the big league!" Yonji added, "It'll be fun, you'll see. Father's orders and missions aren't always easy, but it's for a good cause."

"Try not to disappoint him more than you already did, he doesn't have a lot of faith in your abilities to begin with," Ichiji said, lying nonchalantly on the floor, his head on his crossed hands.

Sanji only nodded with a grim face. He merely followed his family's will now that he had lost his own desire to do what he wanted, yet he still apprehended the moment he would be forced to obey his father's orders, no matter how cruel and unfair they were. There was no place for refusal in the Vinsmoke family, he already knew that. But what choice did he have? He didn't have anywhere else to go.

"Honestly, I could use the extra pair of hands, it's exhausting to go all over the four seas just to threaten a random guy who has a bit of power or kill someone that could interfere with our plans for no specific reason one day or another," Yonji said.

"Isn't that just because you're lazy and incompetent?" Niji answered.

"Well, fuck you too, okay? You're such an ass, how old are you again, three years old?"

"You do realize we have the same age, right?"

"That's literally the point of being quadruplets," Sanji added with an incredulous look.

"Oh yeah, I always forget about that."

"Dumbass," Niji muttered under his breath.

"The fuck did you just say?"

"I said you're a goddamn idiot and I can't believe you're related to me."

"Alright, children, let's calm down before you start blowing up half of the castle again, we don't need that."

"Shut up, Ichiji, what we blow up is none of your business!"

"It is when my room ends up destroyed because I kind of need it to live, you know?"

"Just sleep in a random corridor, who the hell cares."

"I'm going to make you sleep in the damn barracks we give to the soldiers, you're going to understand the meaning of pain."

"Yeah, I'd love to see that!"

"I can't believe how much of a fucker you are, I'm going to-"

Sanji stopped listening at some point, only observing in silence his siblings arguing over nothing. He was right there, just next to them, and for a moment he was hit with the thought of what could have been if things had been different a decade ago. The bickering sounded familiar and he winced while repressing recent memories. For a moment, the image of his brothers around him faded with another scene of eight particular people quarreling in a ship's galley, swearing and laughing at each other. For a moment, Sanji felt at home.

 

* * *

 

"It's time you present yourself to Father", Ichiji announced a week or so after that.

Sanji wiped the sweat of his forehead with the back of his hand and nodded. He didn't even wince when he got up despite his recently broken rib. It was only noon, and the first son told him he would meet their parent tonight and then join them over dinner, as for once the entire family was present in the kingdom, specifying that a maid would help him get formally dressed for the occasion.

He still wasn't used to get served every time he needed something as trivial as clothes or food, he usually was the one choosing them or making the meals. At least he used to. Despite being born a prince, having an entire staff willing to fulfill his wishes was a habit he had quickly gotten rid of once he had abandoned his royal status. Now, he couldn't refuse their services because if he did, they would certainly be punished for not doing their tasks, but he at least tried to thank them and make their daily lives a bit better. A few butlers and maids were assigned to him, and if they were first astonished to receive gratitude from their prince, they kept thanking him, although still hesitant to openly smile to him and look at him in the eyes like he asked them to.

"There you go, milord," his personal maid - Alice was her name, he had insisted on knowing it and calling her as such - said to him, straightening his shirt's collar. She was of petite stature and a shy one (and also Cosette's younger sister, he learned one day), yet she possessed a burning passion for her work and had even once yelled at him when he refused her help to dress one morning. (Of course, she started crying immediately after, certain she was going to be executed.) He didn't flirt and covered her with love like he used to, but she was a very welcomed, warm presence in his life.

Alice bit her lips, fidgeting with her fingers and her apron.

"What is it, Alice?" She slightly jumped, as fear of his royal status still remained in her.

"I… I hope everything will go alright for you tonight, milord. You have been working hard these past few weeks, and although I wasn't here a decade ago, I've heard about how His Majesty treated you, but I genuinely think you deserve the best and everything that happened to you is not fair, and I wished I could-"

"Alice, breathe. It's alright." She nodded, lowering her watery eyes to the floor. "It doesn't matter if it was fair or not. That's just what happened," he echoed Ichiji's own words.

"But milord!"

"I said, it's alright," he said, harsher than he intended to. She winced and took a step back, he sighed. "I apologize. I'm fine. I will be." She nodded once more and they left his room. He had a father to please.

Reiju was already waiting for him before the doors leading to the throne room. More as a precaution (an unnecessary one), she gently pulled on his collar in order to make it look as impeccable as it should and could be.

"Ready?"

"Yeah." He pushed the double doors open and his sister closed them behind him, leaving him alone to face the King.

It had been a year now, more or less. Seven months of darkness and a few others of 'education' and not even once he had had the opportunity to defy Vinsmoke Judge to finally sever his ties with him. In the end, these bonds had gotten stronger than before, because no one could run away from the Vinsmokes.

Now facing his father, he didn't have the desire to clash against the tide anymore.

Still, although he kept the poison in the back of his throat, seeing his ugly mug didn't satisfy him in the slightest. He remained silent, jaw tight and staring straight ahead, waiting for something. His father was scrutinizing every inch of his face, the already dead fire in his eyes and the carved body of an assassin worthy of his cause.

"Truly the spitting image of your mother."

The king finally rose from his throne, went down the few steps that led to the son he had repudiated.

"I've been told of your… 'progress'. You have shown yourself to be capable of obedience in the past months." His Majesty towered over his prince, the latter not moving an inch. "You'll need to do more than that in order to prove yourself worthy enough of our kingdom. In the meantime, I shall allow you to take back your title and your place among us."

Slowly, Sanji looked up and crossed looks with his father. Neither hate nor love could be perceived in their eyes and Sanji thought, cold acceptance was the best thing his parent had given him so far.

He had passed the first test, at least.

He wasn't looking forward to dinner with all of them. It would be his first one with some company in a long time and they all knew how the last one ended. He learned, through Alice, that Cosette was still working in the castle despite her injuries and he couldn't even imagine how traumatic it was for her to continue serving a bunch of psychos that only saw her as disposable staff. He just hoped the whole fiasco wouldn't repeat itself once again.

The sight of the round table already all set was bearable, but not so much. He ate in silence, listening to his brother's conversation and quarrel without taking part of it, fully aware of Reiju's gaze on him. It was odd; anyone entering the room at this moment would have thought they were an ordinary family, maybe a bit richer than the others, but hundreds of them existed. Those were conversations you could expect from young adults of their age, with the father sometimes taking part of it or either smiling - smiling, Sanji realized - at his children's antics and the sister rolling her eyes at their idiocy. No one could guess from this picture they were the descendants and the proud heirs of the regal rulers of the formerly grand Northern Sea.

Surprisingly, no one made a remark about his sudden presence with them, as if it was perfectly usual. When the dinner was coming to an end, and when the brothers were starting to slouch on their chairs, Sanji understood he wouldn't get away so easily.

"Aren't you glad you're part of us now, Sanji?" Yonji gloated, his cheeks lightly red with too much wine.

"Not so fast. He still needs to prove himself before he can be considered a real member of the family," Niji added. "I think we all know what we're talking about, right?" Sanji didn't. Sure, he had a fair idea, but not one he liked. Their laughters echoing to each other didn't reassure him either.

"I already have a mission for you," the king voice's quieted them at once, like well disciplined kids. "Reiju will tell you the details, you'll leave tomorrow morning with Niji and Yonji." Reiju nodded in understanding.

"Oh yes, we're gonna have fun tomorrow."

Sanji wasn't sure 'fun' was the right word.

With grace that clashed with her brothers' attitude, Reiju got up, holding and pulling on Sanji's arm so he did the same. Wishing a good night to their father, they both left the room.

"It's not going to be fun for you," she said to him on their way back to the residential aisle of the castle.

"It may surprise you, but I already figured that out."

"Sanji," she suddenly stopped to face him and the honesty in her eyes made him take a step back. "I'm serious this time. I tried to protect you as much as I could over the past few months. Obviously, I failed, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Now, I know you're still not ready to discover what we really do when we follow orders." He opened his mouth to interrupt her, but she hushed him with a quick snap of her fingers. "Don't tell me you do, you don't know what you're talking about. I do, but there's nothing I can do. Tomorrow isn't going to be fun at all."

"So what? What the hell do you want me to do about it?"

She bit her lips. "There's nothing you can do either to prepare yourself for it. But… The second you come back, come see me. I'm begging you, as your sister."

He wanted to replicate, answer he perfectly knew how to take care of himself despite the appearances and everything that happened lately, yet she had rarely talked to him so openly. She had never begged.

"Alright, I promise," he said instead, and the small relief in her eyes was already a bit of a reward. Without a warning, she hugged him. It took him a few seconds, but he put his hands on her shining blond hair, wondering why she was so worried.

'Tomorrow morning' came soon enough and during the course of the night, their floating island had progressed towards another one he didn't even know the name of. He was ready, knives hidden beneath his clothes, against his thighs and legs, under his wrists, a gun against his heart and a rapier at his hip. He would have never imagined he would one day willingly bear so many weapons.

They took a small boat, a soldier with no will rowing and bringing Niji, Sanji and Yonji to the island that was only a dot in the distance. They couldn't approach it with their castle, as they needed to remain unseen. Well, it was according to his brothers. Sanji didn't know what business they had here for now.

"You'll know soon enough, baby bro', don't worry," Niji said, effortlessly remaining still despite the waves.

When they reached the ground, later in the afternoon, the third son still wondered what in the name of the four seas they were supposed to do here. This island had nothing special, just a few villages, their merchants and peasants, their women and children. Nothing else.

"Alright, here's the planning for today. We'll act tonight, we need to stay low in the meantime. Yonji, you'll do the job on your own, you already know what to do. As for you, Sanji, you'll stay with me."

Sanji wasn't an idiot, he knew Niji was their father's eyes for today. Obey, or else…

A few hours later, when the sun had been replaced by its sibling, Yonji wandered off, wishing them good luck with a knowing smile. He left them on the top of the roofs of one of the villages. They both waited in silence, watching the latest ones going home one by one, slamming the door behind them and unaware of the threat hanging just above their heads. It was quiet.

"You need to know why we're here," Niji whispered. "You need to prove you can serve our cause, our desire to dominate once more the good old North Blue, which is why we need to eliminate anyone that can destroy our plans. Even the most insignificant ants that could claim the throne of a kingdom we're going to take over one day because they're distant relatives of the royal family. Like those ones over there," he pointed at a house. "They're the descendants of a former king overthrown recently. In a decade or two, they could come back and we sure don't need that."

Sanji froze. He knew who was inside this specific house, he had watched the entire neighborhood for hours.

"You know what to do."

"Niji, you can't be serious. They're-"

"I know who they are. And I don't care. They're dangerous for us, do you get that?"

"Niji, you're the one who doesn't get it, they're just a mother and her kid, I can't-"

"Yes, you can. You can and you will. Otherwise, you know what's going to happen to you."

Sanji didn't answer. He knew his life became a nightmare, but he had never imagined it could become worse.

"Good. We're assassins, Sanji. That's what we are, that's what we have been for centuries. It's your legacy."

Niji's hand on the nape of his neck was a heavy reminder of who they were. The second son pressed with a little more strength his fingers against his pale skin and suddenly, Sanji knew he could just obey.

Sneaking inside the peaceful house was easy, when you were trained for it since you could walk on your own. The first floor was empty, a simple kitchen and living room that didn't hint that it belonged to a former royal family. A toy was left forgotten on the wooden floor, almost shining under the moon's light. Becoming one with the shadows, Sanji went up the stairs without a sound. A flickering thin stray of light could be seen through a door at the end of the corridor upstairs. He came nearer, and his ears picked up hushed whispers.

"Mama, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, baby girl, nothing."

"Why are you so sad, then? Did I do something wrong?"

"Never, you never did anything wrong, don't worry sweetie.

"... Can you tell me a story?"

"Alright. Once upon a time, there was a blond little boy that grew up to be a strong man. He grew up in the north, just like you. But you see, this man, he didn't know it, but he was sick, he was violent. His illness had been passed down from his family for generations."

"What kind of illness?"

"It's a curse, my child. A curse that'll make you sleep for a long time once you've heard the name."

"I don't wanna sleep for a long time mom, you said we were going to watch the sea tomorrow!"

"Shh, shh, it's okay baby, sleep now… We'll visit the sea soon enough," she raised her voice after a moment. "Please come in."

Sanji pushed the door open, only to be welcomed with the pitiful sight of a mother protecting her sleeping child with her body. The mother was young, probably his own age, with gorgeous pleading eyes filled with tears of terror, but also acceptance.

"I knew I couldn't run away all my life. At least I tried. Isn't there any way I can bargain for my child's life?"

At his stunned silence, she sighed and gave him the most beautiful smile he had ever witnessed, just like the ones his mother used to gave just for him.

"Can I at least ask you to make it painless for both of us?"

The former pirate gripped one of his knives with so much force he thought even himself was bleeding. He couldn't take his eyes away from her, he just wanted to run away, as far as he could, maybe take them with him, in some place where they would never find them. But here was the thing. Sanji's spirit had been broken long ago and he wasn't sure he could defy his legacy any longer.

He came back, clothes and face covered in red blood that contrasted with his sickly complexion. Niji's smile was proud and full of success.

"See, it wasn't so hard. Next time, you'll just need to do it with less blood."

The ride back was spent in silence. He stared without seeing at the waves, not even aware of when Yonji had come back.

Hours later, back in Germa Kingdom, he reached his sister's room in no time and he didn't even need to knock once as she opened the door immediately. That's when his brain, on some kind of autopilot so far, stopped. He had to be pushed inside, still covered in drying blood, like an empty shell needing guidance. Reiju started to wipe the stains off his cheeks with a white tissue, yet she stopped to catch him when he suddenly collapsed, falling forward as if he was a puppet whose strings had been cut.

"I… I… What did I…" He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't comprehend.

"I know, I know," she brushed her hand over his hair, in a now familiar gesture.

"Reiju, please, why did I, what did I, I need to-"

"Shh, shh, it's alright, I know. You did great. It's alright."

"No, it's not, I…" A heart wrenching sob of panic broke past his lips, he felt like he was choking. His legs weren't holding him anymore. His forehead fell on his sister's shoulder, her arms encircled his torso to keep him standing. He stared at his blood-covered hands behind her back, a nightmarish image that would forever be etched in his brain.

He had used his hands. He had used his hands to kill.

 

* * *

 

That night, he dreamt.

It seemed peaceful. Despite the rain and the thunder, despite the wind hindering his steps, he kept moving forward, clutching a precious box in his little hands. He wasn't afraid nor cold, as the simple image of his mother's smile awaiting him at the end of the road warmed him.

He dreamt of her, when she used to put his head against her chest, her beauty forever frozen in his memories, her thin hands ruffling his hair. He dreamt of being safe.

Then, the scene changed. He dreamt of her grave and her pale cheeks covered in blood, her features distorted to look like the ones of another mother who loved her child with all she had. He dreamt of the Rock and a knife pointed at an old man, the blade meeting the flesh in a sickening hiss. He dreamt of his body withering away under the sun and the salt and thinking _you deserved it_.

He dreamt of a bunch of pirates showing with insolence and pride their freedom to the whole world. He dreamt of the creaking wood of a galley and the smooth, used surface of a counter. He dreamt of requests for food and whining, but also of grins of delight upon tasting the meals.

He also dreamt of disgust in their eyes, of a sharp white sword under his chin and a familiar hunger to kill he never would have expected to be directed against him. He dreamt of disappointment and dread on their faces. He also dreamt of the blank look of his captain that shouldn't even exist in the first place.

Dizziness caught him by surprise when he sat up straight at once and a hand grabbed the side of his head to push him aside where a bucket was ready. He didn't remember eating anything, but he threw up nonetheless, until he was just dry-heaving and coughing. Reiju's hand was still on his back, tracing circles to force his muscles to relax. He stayed in this position, resting his forehead on his sister's knees. She never left, gently humming a soft tone, her hand passing through his hair.

"How long?" He asked after a while, his voice weak and cracking.

"Just a night, it's almost noon. You barely slept."

They stayed there. For hours maybe? Sanji didn't know, his mind was left wandering in his memories, whether they were real or not. His eyes were open, staring without seeing at an invisible point on the wall, his cheek on Reiju's legs.

"I can't go back, can I?" She stopped her singing. "It's too late now. They wouldn't want me back. They shouldn't. I did the unthinkable. And my fath… and Zeff. He used to say my hands weren't supposed to take a life, but to give it to others."

Her hand stilled above his head.

"What did I do, Reiju?" He whispered.

She had the answers. She could have said his will and need to please and this idea implanted in his head, that he had to work in order to earn acknowledgement and love from the others, pushed him that far. She could have said his brothers and their father were keen on manipulating people's mind to the point of no return, even if it drove them to commit things they would never do, they only had to ignite his childhood deepest fears and wishes. She could have said they had wittily hid from his crew in order to break him and all his hopes. She could have said his father had expressed interest over him when they first met after more than a decade, as he was much stronger and could be useful for his schemes now. She could have said even so she felt a bit of guilt over it and she only wanted his happiness no matter where he could find it, she also wanted the baby brother she loved so much back at her side, so she had pushed him a little toward that path.

Instead, she said: "I'm sorry."

Everything changed after this, and at the same time, nothing changed much.

He was welcomed with haughty, but pleased smiles. Despite Sanji's shut face, Yonji slapped his back, announcing he was glad his brother wasn't such a cry baby after all. Niji still doubted his capacities, but admitted he wasn't doing such a bad job. He didn't know what to think of Ichiji's absence of reaction, arms crossed on his chest. He wanted to think he was both proud and disappointed. That sounded like the kind of thing Ichiji's mind was made of.

Time went on, once again. For his child self, it was like a dream becoming true. He was accepted, took part in the family's business. His brothers were as cruel as ever, but they still talked to him and integrated him in their conversations around the dinner table and during some late-nights, as if they expected him to slowly become more and more like them. He received mockery as always, but not as much, and he received approval. It would have been like heaven if he didn't feel that apathetic.

He was getting good at pretending. Pretending he was the perfect polite prince or rich kid to fool a random dude who unknowingly was their target, to fool an entire crowd of nobles and royal families in order to get closer to the ruling power of some nations the Vinsmokes needed to get back their former glory. Pretending to disappear in the shadows like a perfect assassin. Pretending he was having quietly fun during the night with his brothers in their usual room, in which they took the habit to collapse on some armchairs when they were all present in the castle. He was not really participating but throwing one smart-mouthed comment or two every once in awhile, sometimes slightly smiling. Pretending he was fine when Reiju asked.

(Sometimes, he wondered he was still pretending or not.)

Truth is, he didn't know. He didn't feel much these days. He just obeyed, followed. He felt like he had lost his soul a long time ago.

 

* * *

 

As he realized it had been a bit more than three years now, almost three years and a half since that fateful day, he also realized he couldn't run away forever.

(He didn't realize that, as he got caught more and more in his family's sticky web, they didn't need to hide from the Straw Hats.)

It happened on an island of the New World. They were only here to increase the fervor of the rebellion against yet another king, they only gave a slight push and the people did the rest. In the midst of the flames and men and women taking the arms, he stood. The orange light coming from the flickering fire gave a sickly look to his pale skin and a dull reflect in his now dark blue and dull eyes.

"Cook?"

He didn't react at first. It's been a long time since he had been called as such. When his brain connected the title with him, his eyes darted to his left, but he didn't not move an inch.

The Straw Hats' first mate stood there, two swords in each hand, with a dumbfounded expression, as if he wasn't sure of what he was seeing.

"Is that really you, shit cook? We've been looking for you all this time."

Sanji could feel his hands shaking. He was not ready. He would never be, but he had always thought he could avoid them for the rest of his life. He didn't want to face them. He wasn't sure he could even look at them in the eyes.

"I can take care of him, go back to the ship," Niji was suddenly at his side, taking a few steps towards the swordsman.

"The fuck?" was Zoro's only answer. Sanji's eyes wouldn't leave the ground.

"Well, you're not very eloquent, Roronoa Zoro, but I didn't expect much from you, to be perfectly honest."

"Get. Out. Of my way," the first mate growled. Sanji could hear the familiar tingling sound of two swords being pointed at an enemy.

"And why would I do that?"

"I'm bringing back the shit cook to us, whether you want it or not, get the fuck out my way." And with that, Zoro launched himself forward…

… Only to be stopped with another sword. Sanji's grip on it was strong, but not as much as the future best swordsman in the entire world. He put himself between the two men. Just behind him, Niji hadn't moved and let out a chuckle.

"Good, Sanji, good. Show him that you won't blindly follow him like you used to. Show him how skilled you are with a sword in your precious hands."

"Wh-shut the fuck up, you! Are you even listening to me, shit cook? Nami, Robin, everyone's here and we've been looking for you, what the hell are you even doing?!" He hesitated, the blades struggling against each other. Clearly the sight of a sword in Sanji's hand shocked him more than he was showing it.

"Sanji." Behind him, Niji put a hand on the nape of his neck, just like that day on the rooftop of the peaceful village where he had killed for the first time. His brother got closer, then put each hand on his shoulders. Had he turned around, he would have seen his devilish smile.

"Shit cook. Look at me." When Sanji only looked up a bit, Zoro growled. "In the eyes." It took him a few seconds, but he did, not knowing if he was hiding his conflicted feelings well, a mix of hate, fear, love, regret and despair. He gritted his teeth under the effort he had to give with his arm, as Zoro's put more force in his swords.

"What have you done?"

Of course Zoro was both the most oblivious and the most perceptive person on this planet.

"Why aren't you saying anything?!" He suddenly raised his voice, pushing with his swords.

"Sanji." Niji put more pressure on his shoulders. "You know he's only pretending. He's lying. They don't love you. We're the only ones that matter for you, you know that, right?" It was only a whisper in his ears. And when Niji felt his hesitance, he added: "Think about the old man back in East Blue."

Zoro took a step back without a warning. His swords were ready, but he lowered them a little.

"Is that what you've been doing? They fed you lies and you believed them?" He looked with disgust at Niji. "I thought you were better than that." Then, he sighed. "Alright. Show me your resolve, if you're so sure of yourself."

Sanji was no match against the one who would one day beat Mihawk. Still, he had some skills, taught during his very first years as soon as he could walk, perfected by daily use of kitchen knives. Coupled with his agility and speed that surpassed Zoro's, he dodged and blocked every attack, even when the swordsman used three swords at once.

It hurt. The wrath in his eye and the forceful grip he had on the white sword between his teeth - the one he only used against the mightiest enemies - meant he wasn't messing around. He never thought Zoro would be the first one he would meet after all this time, he only thought about Luffy and his reaction. Perhaps Zoro was the most dangerous one after himself among all nine of them.

"So that's it?!" A slash. "You gave up, just like this?" Another one. "This isn't like you, crap cook!" A blade brushed past his cheek. "Did you even think about Nami and Robin?!" Sanji kept stepping back under the rage of his blows. "What about Chopper? Franky, Brook?" Being reminded of their names one by one was like a stab wound in his chest. "Usopp hasn't been the same since that day!" Sanji blocked with his rapier the sword coming from the right, the one coming from the left with his foot. "What about Vivi?!"

Now face to face, only a few inches from each other and swords between them, Zoro's single eye was as sharp as his weapons.

"What about Luffy?"

Sanji was losing, of course.

"You're hesitating. You're not putting everything you got in this fight. I'm not buying your bullshit, shitty _swordsman_ , no one is," Zoro said.

"I'm not coming back," Sanji muttered, struggling to keep Zoro's swords away from him.

"I didn't ask for your permission." With that, Sanji's rapier fell from his fingers as Zoro pushed forward with an expert use of his weapons, making Sanji fall in the process. He immediately put a sword under his chin.

They locked eyes. Sanji was trembling, his gaze uncertain with a fear of fighting Zoro like they never had. He just wasn't ready. Zoro was built like a stone, steady and unwavering, a closed expression on his face, yet fury shook his every limb. (Sanji wondered if this fury was intended only for him.)

"Luffy won't stop chasing you no matter what you say."

He knew that. He already knew that, he had been on the first line to watch his stubbornness.

"I don't know what the hell happened to you and I don't care. I'm not leaving without you, so you better get your head out of your ass and get going."

"You all need to learn how to let go!"

His sudden outburst surprised them all, even himself.

"I made my decision, it's not yours to make! If I didn't make a move to find you during these past months, maybe it's because I don't want to go back to you. You need to stop chasing after hopeless dreams!"

Zoro's last eye squinted. He took a step back, sheathed his swords.

"Like you're the one to talk about hopeless dreams…" He closed his eye. His voice was surprisingly calm, but Sanji knew him enough to guess he wasn't.

"If you want to turn your back to us so badly, you won't mind being my enemy then. Get up, take your _sword_." He threw the word with disgust. Sanji got up, took back his sword with a puzzled expression.

In a second, Zoro disappeared. The next, Sanji's face exploded with pain.

"Alright, I'll take it from here."

A hand pressed against the right side of his face, Sanji stumbled back as Niji suddenly appeared in front of him, blocking Zoro's next attack.

"I really enjoyed the little show, but my brother and I really need to get going. It's been fun meeting you, Roronoa Zoro, I'm sure we'll meet again. Until then…"

They exchanged a few blows, with such rapidity Sanji realized he truly didn't stand a chance. He could only watch, his face covering his hand in blood that kept flowing. Someone suddenly grabbed his shoulders behind him, startling him.

"We need to go, Sanji." Reiju and Ichiji were there, only a few stains of dirt showing they had fought someone. Reiju took his hand away from his now closed eye, inspecting it with worry. "We have to treat it right away, come on." She led him toward the shore.

"This isn't over, Sanji! Luffy will come, he'll never accept this!" Behind him, Zoro's voice rang over Niji's hysterical laughs.

Sanji only realized hours later, maybe days later, that Zoro had called him by his name for the first time.

"It will leave a scar, and you won't be able to see as clearly as before, but you can still use your eye," the Germa doctor told him.

Weeks later, safe and sound in the castle infirmary, he was allowed to take off his bandages around his head. Having someone else than Chopper treat him felt wrong, as he didn't have implorant eyes asking him to be more careful, then they would fill with joy when he promised to make cotton candy just the way he liked it.

He finally opened his right eye, groaned at the sudden light.

"Oh my," Reiju exclaimed.

"What is it?"

"You just reminded me of someone, but you should see it for yourself." She handed him a little mirror.

The color of his eye had faded, becoming a blue so light it almost looked white. It spread around the entire retina, even over the white part of the eyeball and its pupil, following the slash of the sword. Overall, it was a perfectly straight vertical line, from above his eyebrow to the top of his cheek. Like a perfect mirror of Zoro's own scar.

His only reaction was to sigh and ruff his hair so it fell back in front of the right side of his face. A laugh suddenly broke past his lips, and soon enough he couldn't stop.

"I fail to see what's so funny about this," Reiju said, although she didn't sound so severe.

"Maybe now I can be a true swordsman." Reiju gently slapped the top of his head, but she still smiled at him.

"Don't be stupid." She pulled him into a hug. "I'm still glad you're okay." He let his forehead fall on her shoulder. They did that a lot now, it was a simple gesture, yet it still brought comfort to the both of them.

"Rei?"

"Hmm?"

"It hurt. Seeing him. It still does. I just wasn't ready."

"I don't think anyone can win against this man." He softly chuckled.

"I… Did I make the right choice?"

She stilled, her arms around him. Then, she said: "I don't know. It's what you chose. No one can tell but you."

Sanji almost dozed off right there, content in the warmth of his sister's arms. However, she nudged him a bit, waking him up.

"Hey, there's something I want to show you."

The Germa Kingdom was not only a moving castle, but it had a small patch of land which could be considered a garden of some kind. It wasn't much, but it was covered in colorful flowers of different types, so much it clashed with the uniformly gray stones of the structure. The plants spread on each side of a small path made of white cobblestones, that led to the end of the area. It was like a small cliff open on the seas the travelling kingdom traversed. There stood a grave without a name, but Sanji didn't need one to know who it belonged to.

"We take care of that place, our brothers and I."

Sanji was speechless. He had never imagined he could one day visit his dear mother's grave. The memory of her smile was one he could not forget, as well as her kindness. He approached the cliff in silence, then sat cross-legged in front of it.

"I know how much you miss her. We all do. None of us say it, but it hurts to look at you sometimes. You're so much like her."

"Father said that."

"It's not only your face, you are quadruplets after all. You, you have the same kind heart as she did."

Sanji only nodded, set his gaze on the sea behind the tombstone. It was quiet, only the wind gently blowing between the castle's towers and the flowers disturbed the silence. Sanji cleared his throat.

"Do you mind if I stay here a bit?"

"Not at all. I'll leave you in peace then; we all come here alternatively."

Sanji stayed until the sun started to let its place to the moon, the twilight casting an unusual shadow on his most recent scar.

 

* * *

 

They took down Big Mom.

Ever since they had turned against her during the wedding, she apparently tried to get them and destroy their entire family, even if she had to sacrifice Germa's scientific research. Her anger didn't allow her to spare them, apparently. She was becoming a real threat, according to Judge, which was a pity as she could have made a great ally. But, as Ichiji often said, "You shouldn't try to question Father's decisions", not matter how illogical they seemed.

Taking down an Emperor was a big deal, something that you couldn't hide as it needed a lot of planning, and mostly allies. The Navy was particularly interested as the balance between the world's forces was more and more unstable, which brought Sanji and his brothers to represent their father in front of the marine's highest officers. If the goal was an alliance, Judge mostly saw them as a mean to get an enemy out of the way and brought him closer to his dream of ruling over the entire northern sea. As negotiations with the Navy weren't really his thing, Sanji kept quiet for most of it. His presence wasn't a problem in itself as he wasn't considered a pirate anymore and his royal status was enough to prevent them from taking him to Impel Down.

However, his former ties were enough of an opportunity to Akainu.

"We know for a fact that Straw Hat Luffy is targeting Big Mom as well, there's no doubt he will be there the day we launch our attack," the fleet admiral said out of the blue, a cruel glint in his eyes.

"If you're thinking of using our brother to get to a mere pirate, you can forget it. We're not here for that," Ichiji answered. "Let's not get too greedy, shall we?"

Sakazuki seemed to consider the answer, then shrugged, obviously not pleased with this outcome. Sanji allowed himself to relax for a second, he reminded himself to later thank Ichiji for not being so heartless with him as he used to.

The alliance (not permanent obviously as both parties were aware of each other's background and ready to call it off) was made official, and none of them lost time to launch their attack. Sanji himself hadn't a lot to do, he just had to make sure the soldiers under his command followed the operation - which wasn't a hard thing to do, as they obeyed without a thought for themselves, Sanji noted with a pang of pity in his heart.

He felt guilt over the mayhem he could witness, standing atop of the roofs of Whole Cake Island. Some daughters and sons of the pirate Emperor didn't deserve this, and he remembered Pudding as a sweet girl. Sometimes, he wondered if it would have been better for him to marry her. But Reiju promised him she would guarantee her safety in the midst of the chaos.

"Aren't you a Straw Hat?"

He thought he was alone. Obviously, it wasn't the case, but if his observation Haki didn't pick up the presence and didn't tell him it was a threat, there was nothing to be alarmed about. Indeed, he recognized the deep voice and particular accent.

"Am I popular among former admirals or what?" Sanji retorted. "I'm not a pirate anymore."

"Oh, I see. A shame," Aokiji answered, sitting down on the edge of the roof, his small bag over his shoulder. He didn't seem to have changed since Sanji had seen him that time they were after Z. "I liked you guys, you were a fun bunch."

"Since when an admiral is supposed to appreciate pirates?"

"Well, I'm not part of the Navy anymore, just like you're not a pirate anymore. Plus, I know how to differentiate dreaming kids from ruthless ones."

Somewhere in the distance, a gigantic familiar fist destroyed the main structure of the island.

"And I used to think you seemed to be a fiercely loyal one. Was I wrong?"

Sanji didn't answer, instead he looked away from Luffy's rubber hand about to pound on what was probably Big Mom.

"I see it's a sensitive subject, alright, I won't ask. I won't ask about that scar you got on your eye, it's not hard to guess where it came from. A shame though. I dislike when people are forced to abandon their dreams. You see, I'm not really fond of the family you hail from."

"Few people are."

"Indeed," Aokiji chuckled, a stream of frost escaping from his mouth. "I used to know your father, you know."

"It doesn't surprise me, he's well known among the highest graded ones of the Navy."

"Nah, I didn't mean your king, I meant the old man living in the East, Zeff. He's your father, right?"

"... Yeah. He is."

"A real pain in my ass back in the days, always sassing me. But it was fun running into him everywhere and fighting him, even though he wasn't really nice with the civilians, you know. Then he disappeared one day. Imagine my surprise when I learned he decided to raise a kid and that kid was you. Children were never his thing."

"No, they were not," Sanji recalled with a fond, nostalgic smile.

"You can't really leave, can you? I'm a wanderer now, and I wouldn't mind seeing an old friend. I could tell him how you're doing, since you don't appear in the newspaper with Straw Hat anymore."

Sanji looked up to the first time to scrutinize Aokiji's face, his eyes hidden beneath his sunglasses despite the night. He raised an eyebrow in question.

"Why would you do that?"

"Huh, what? Hmm… I don't know, I guess I'm feeling pretty generous tonight?"

"You 'guess'?..." Geez, this guy was so infuriating. Sanji sighed in frustration, and also in regret. It probably was not a good idea.

"It's tempting, but no. It's probably for the best that he thinks I'm dead or something."

Maybe Zeff thought he had left the crew to settle down somewhere. Probably not, he knew him more than anyone else, he had raised him. Perhaps he thought he was dead. It was the most likeable option for Sanji. He wasn't sure he wanted Zeff to know what he had become.

"Alright, your choice."

"... Why are you even here in the first place? Don't tell me you came here to make small talk about a former pirate."

"Nah, not really. I came here to make sure my old buddy Akainu doesn't screw up everything like he likes to do sometimes. We all have our different definitions of justice after all. But, you see, I don't mind keeping an eye on another old friend's kid."

Aokiji left as fast as he came, only leaving cold air behind him that made Sanji shiver. He got up after a few minutes. He could see waves and waves of Navy soldiers surging from the main castle, chasing after a rather small group of people. The operation was coming to an end, and the next day would be a very different one, with an Emperor out of the league.

Sanji took his ringing little transponder snail out of his inner pocket, through which Yonji quickly informed him they were about to leave. He confirmed, and then, looking down one more time at the small group slowly making its way toward their own ship, he quickly called the highest ranked soldier under his orders.

"Make sure to slow down the Navy a bit."

"Understood, Your Highness!"

The group of nine people gained some distance over the blue soldiers. One of them seemed unconscious as he was being carried by someone else. Another silhouette among them stopped their running when they were next to the building on which Sanji was standing. They looked up, stared for a long time.

Just right next to Sanji, a single pair of eyes suddenly appeared on the wall. It would have surprised anyone, except him, as he was used to it. He didn't look at them right away, but when he did, he allowed himself a smile, almost imperceptible, that lacked conviction. The eyes fixed his scar on his face for a moment. They filled with grief and regret, and then vanished in a rain of twirling petals as Robin was called by her crew mates to run before the Navy got to them.

 

* * *

 

It took years for Sanji to cross paths with the Straw Hats again.

He wouldn't admit it, but he silently thanked Reiju every time she brought him the newspaper when they appeared in it. They went on their journey. He kept track of them, sometimes messing with some strong pirates, sometimes with the Navy so their path was clear, cleansed of unnecessary fights and potential loss. He could do it without being spotted by them or anyone else as he had become good at what he had been born for. Pulling the strings in the shadows, pushing some pirates out of their way. It allowed him to relieve the guilt he felt over his father's orders he followed.

He even took some initiatives now. He didn't mind working to regain the Vinsmokes' former majesty. He didn't feel any passion for it, but it didn't matter anyway. Nothing mattered much these days.

They all got older. His hair even grew despite Reiju's attempts to keep them short. He kept them in a rather small ponytail, at his shoulders' level, but his sister insisted to keep them short in front of his face and on the side. He didn't change much overall, the only signs he was getting older were the few lines appearing around his eyes. Speaking of which, his scar had finally healed completely, slightly hidden by his hair. He could barely see from that eye, but that was enough when you were the most proficient in observation Haki among your siblings. As for them, they weren't so different than their early twenties selves, their aging was only visible physically. At least their cruelty wasn't directed towards Sanji anymore.

He even surprised himself to appreciate their company during those late-night talks, when they were all drunk and not really worthy of their title of princes. He felt like he belonged among his brothers, yet, every now and then, he still wondered if it was a good thing. Ichiji still watched over him in silence as he used to, Niji never lost his maniacal laugh and sadistic tendencies and Yonji always tried to fight anything that moved. Things never changed sometimes.

Judge fell ill with age and rarely left his chambers now. Only his personal maids and butlers were allowed to freely enter, otherwise he would call his children when he wanted to see them. Although they did not say it, they sometimes exchanged knowing looks, wondering what they would do if he left them before their reign over the North Blue.

Alice and Cosette were still at his side, a constant comforting presence that never left, no matter what, disregarding his either angry or depressed state.

Despite Cosette and Reiju's attempts, Sanji had never cooked since his pirate days.

And Reiju… Reiju was like his anchor. Ever since they were kids, she always took care of him, even when he was too young to remember. She held a fondness for him she didn't have for the three other brothers. She did try to spare him from the horrors of their family's business, but now that it was too late, she could only comfort him and try to get back the pieces together when it all became too much for him to handle.

Visiting his mother's grave quickly became a weekly habit, as well as taking care of the garden around it. He was reminded of Robin's own small garden.

Their kingdom was still floating along the waves all around the world, sometimes inside, sometimes outside the Grand Line, sometimes over the Red Line. But as time passed, the path to Raftel slowly opened, which is why Sanji wasn't taken by surprise the day the newspaper announced the name of the successor of Gol D. Roger.

"You finally did it, Luffy," he muttered to himself, gripping the crinkly pages while standing before his bedroom's large window. He wasn't sure if he felt pride or sorrow over the news.

It wasn't long before he stood in front of his former captain, his crew lined up a few feet behind, even when he had made sure to escape their vigilance. Perhaps he was getting too old.

"It's been a while, Sanji."

The King looked nothing like a king, his famous hat still perched on his messy black hair, still looking like the reckless young boy he was during their journey together. A few scars had joined the older one on his chest. His fists clenched, he stood with his chin raised, as the freest man in the entire world should.

"How long has it been? Something like seven or eight years, right?" Luffy continued when Sanji didn't respond, keeping his face blank.

"Something like that."

"Zoro wasn't lying about meeting you. He didn't talk about a scar over your right eye though. He's still pissed, you know."

"Good for him."

"Also, we found the All Blue. It's beautiful. But I'm sure it would be even more beautiful if it was seen from your eyes."

"Perhaps." He wasn't so sure, the world seen from his eyes looked dull now.

"I'm not stupid, Sanji. I know you've been watching us, following us. What for?"

"I have my reasons. I need to keep eyes on my enemies and everyone in my line of work."

"So that's how you see us now? Everything we lived together, it doesn't matter to you?"

"I've never been part of your group. I was born a Vinsmoke, raised to be one until the end."

"Prove it!" The King suddenly yelled with anger. As you wish, Sanji thought as he started to undo the buttons of his shirt, letting his coat fall to the ground. He turned his back to them and lowered the cloth. He heard a few gasps at the sight. His back was covered in an ugly, painful looking scar, a mark made with red-hot iron all over his shoulder blades. His skin was branded with the symbol of the Germal royal bloodline and the infamous 'V'.

It was also about seven or eight years old. As if his memories were branded as well as his skin, he clearly remembered the day his brothers decided with ferocious, tyrannical grins, that he needed to be reminded of who he belonged to, that he needed to prove his loyalty. It had been a few days after the first time he had killed. Shivering, he put his shirt back on.

"That's not a proof you were willing," Luffy said.

"It's more than enough for me."

At those words, the captain jumped, his fist shining and black with fluid. "I won't accept this as an answer, Sanji!"

The fight was short. There were only two persons in this world Sanji couldn't even hope to defeat, they were Roronoa Zoro and Monkey D. Luffy. Nevertheless, fighting someone he still held dear in his heart wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for both of them.

"Why won't you come back to us?!"

"I can't," Sanji simply answered with a kick. It was true. He couldn't. He couldn't handle it, he couldn't live with them, expecting everything to be just like before after everything he had done these past years.

"Don't you want to tell Zeff about the All Blue?!"

"I can't do that either, captain," he answered, and Luffy let out a cry of rage at the mockery of his title. It seemed like he was expressing all the frustration he had accumulated over the years, the frustration of not being able to get his cook back. The last time he had seen him, he had promised him to save him from an unfair wedding, only for him to be stolen just before his eyes.

"Why not?!"

"Because I was never meant to do that." He strongly kicked him, sending the man a few meters away.

He couldn't stay any longer. His spirit had hardened up, rarely feeling anything now, he wouldn't break into a crying mess like he used to. He just needed to get away because he couldn't win and he was a coward, a coward afraid that every lie he had believed over the years would shatter his sanity at the same time themselves would shatter. That's why he turned his back to the Pirate King's crew, even though the fight had brought them too far to even spot them.

Something in the corner of his vision caught his eyes. When he approached, he picked up the object and without thinking about why he was doing that, he left with the famous straw hat in his hand.

 

* * *

 

"Sanji?"

Reiju's voice pulled him from his reminiscence, her hands still rubbing his back.

"I'm alright."

She didn't believe him, but she pretended she did.

" _'The memories of our youth blending together'_... Right?" He echoed her own words. "You're right, I guess. All those years… It's like everything happened at once."

Reiju hummed in agreement, dragging a chair next to his at his desk. She sat on it, taking a look at his paperwork, then at his face one more time.

"You work too hard. You should rest a bit."

He looked at her with a sigh and a smile. "Don't worry, I'm fine. Someone needs to do it and it certainly won't be Niji or Yonji, and since Ichiji is not there for the next few days…"

"Why won't you let me do it, then?"

"Well, I can't let a lady work that much and tire herself over something that's meaningless." She slapped the top of his head with humour. "And well. You're the next in line for the throne. Gotta let you get used to the hard life of a queen and paperwork is not your job, right?"

"You really are an idiot, you know that?"

"Yet, you're still willingly spending time with your idiot brother, so who's stupid here?"

"I still think it's you," she laughed, then got up again. Even though she was in her thirties now, she looked as young as ever, as if time couldn't get a hold on her. She walked toward the windows again to scan the horizon with care. Sanji stopped his pen with a puzzled look.

"You've been watching outside all day. What's going on?"

"I…"

"Rei?" His eyebrows twisted in worry. Reiju was similar to a strong pillar on which he leaned, seeing her hesitating and wavering wasn't reassuring. She was always so steady and strong, never taking too much time to think and act. Truly the child their father was so proud of, the perfect one.

"I… There's something I need to tell you."

"I figured that out, alright. What is it?"

"It's not an easy thing to say."

"I'm not a child anymore, Rei. I'm sure I can handle it."

"And I'm saying I'm not sure you can, because I know you better than anyone else."

That made Sanji shut up for a moment. Instead, he observed every twitch of her face. She kept twisting her hands behind her back, he could guess it, her lower lip was becoming a little redder than it should be, her eyes were fixed on the floor, her eyebrows frowning. He let her think and consider her options alone. He wasn't brave enough to add a snarky comment in any case, her annoyed glare was feared by everyone in the kingdom.

"I can't hide this forever anyway. It's best that I show you."

She walked to the other side of the room, opening a drawer previously locked, the one she used for her personal use. She withdrew what looked like a newspaper from it and unfolded it, reading the front page for what seemed to be the umpteenth time. Then, she turned her head in her brother's direction, with acceptance and pity on her face that stunned him on the spot.

"Here," she handed him the paper, putting it down on the surface of the desk. Sanji picked it up, not daring taking his eyes away from her face at first. He wished he had kept looking at her. As soon as he read the title, he could hear his heart break and his entire world crumble loudly around him.

Luffy was dead.

 _"The Pirate King is dead"_ , as told the newspaper. Gone forever, gone with a smile on his face just like the previous king and his brother, starting yet another wave of young people trying to pursue their crazy dreams.

The pages shook in his hands, threatening to tear apart as he couldn't let go of it. He felt like he was choking, there was a buzzing sound in his ears and he just couldn't focus on anything else. His eyes stung. Luffy was gone.

"I'll give you some time."

"No, no, it's alright, I'm alright," he said, the words stumbling from his mouth. "I'm alright, it doesn't matter that much anyway, okay? It's alright."

"Sanji." The use of his name had the effect to make him look up and remind him of what was reality. "You're not convincing anyone here, not even yourself." She glanced at her side. On his desk lied a dust covered straw hat.

"I know where he's buried. That's why I've been watching outside, we're almost there. Get ready, Sanji."

"I don't need to-"

"Sanji. I want you to do this. Please, do it for me. Do it for you. He was your friend, your captain. Your savior, like you used to call him. You have to say goodbye to him."

"Don't say that, don't say 'was' or 'goodbye', he just can't be…"

"I'm sorry, baby brother. I really am."

It was a small island. No tree could be seen, only grass covered it. The only thing that wasn't natural were three tombstones put next to each other, Sanji recognized the two older ones as Ace's and Whitebeard's. With a heavy feeling in his throat, his gaze wandered to Monkey D. Luffy's grave, a simple one, but worthy of a king that couldn't care less about luxury but only cared about his freedom. Sanji wouldn't have imagined a better one for him.

His hand shook, holding the precious straw hat against his chest. During the last months, he knew everyone in the entire world wondered where the famous hat that his owner had earned his title from went. To this day, he still didn't know why he picked it up.

"I've met him, a few months ago," Reiju said behind him. "He told me something interesting."

The wing got up, making Whitebeard's long and worn out coat waver on the top of his tombstone.

"He told me he was leaving the hat to you and he would only get it back when you'll get better. He said he only entrusted the ones who needed to understand they were loved and deserved everything with his treasure."

Slowly, Sanji raised his hand, hiding his face beneath the old hat. He shook for a few seconds, until he couldn't retain a sound of grief anymore. He didn't hear Reiju getting back to the floating castle, but he was left alone with the dead.

"I'm back, Luffy," he breathed loudly, trying to hold himself together.

"I'm sorry."

He kept reading the name engraved on the stone, over and over, as if he believed it was just an illusion. Something he thought to be impossible happened and he didn't want to believe and admit it.

"I'm sorry. I know that it's my fault you couldn't realize your dream in its entirety. I know you wanted all of us to be here at your side at the top of the world. That's what your dream was really about."

It was all his fault. He understood his anger now, the anger he had for his former cook the last time they met.

"... Not that I can call myself one of you. I fucked everything up, didn't I?"

He laughed, with a mix of irony and despair, but it sounded more like a sobbing noise.

"Have you ever thought of me during your journey? Was it with hate, or with hope?"

He still dared hope, despite everything he had done, despite their attempts to welcome him back and his refusals.

"I'm sorry I lost faith in you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to believe in you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep going, to keep fighting."

He wanted to run. Run away, like he always did. He had to leave this place or else he felt like he would lose it, right here, right now. Instead, he moved forward and with a shaking hand, he lifted the straw hat and put it on the top of the stone. The wind got stronger, as if nature itself was welcoming back the hat that started it all.

"Here… I'm giving it back to you. I don't need it anymore… Although, I know you would force me to keep it a little longer, but this is where it belongs. With you."

In front of his former king's tombstone, Sanji looked at the bright sky and wept for what could have been.

**Author's Note:**

> I still have no excuses and I'm currently emotionally deceased, because one of the reasons Sanji is my favorite character of all time is his undying loyalty and I wrote the exact opposite. But discussing with ao3 user Emelian65, they gave me the idea of a Traitor!Sanji, an idea I had vaguely touched in another collection of mine.
> 
> I spent way too much time on this (nearly a month), but I'm still happy with it. (If you can't tell, I'm currently ugly sobbing in a corner of my room.)
> 
> I wonder if I should write the Straw Hats' side of this... Maybe, if anyone is interested, I might have a couple of ideas for it!
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please don't hesitate to like and leave a kudo, that's what keep us writers going! If you follow any other collection of story of mine, don't worry, I'm working on it. You can also visit my tumblr (a_ngyie) if you want to discuss!


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